There comes a point in adulthood when you realize you’ve crossed a line you can never uncross. For some people, it’s buying sensible shoes. For others, it’s getting excited about a new vacuum.
For me, it was the day I willingly pooped in a box and mailed it to a lab.
Yes, friends, I’m talking about the Cologuard test.
Let’s Acknowledge the Weirdness
First, we must honor the elephant in the bathroom: this is objectively strange. The instructions are polite. The packaging is discreet. The science is impressive. And yet the core task remains unchanged;
you are collecting a sample of your own poop and shipping it off like an Amazon return.
No matter how mature you are, there is a moment where you pause and think,
“Wow. This is my life now.”
Why I Did It Anyway
Colorectal cancer is one of those things that doesn’t get talked about enough because it’s awkward, uncomfortable, and involves body parts we prefer to pretend don’t exist. Unfortunately, cancer does not care about our discomfort.
Screening saves lives. Full stop.
And to avoid guzzling a gallon of “prep juice”, spending hours in the bathroom, getting drugged, and..gulp…”scoped”…
I chose the plastic bucket.
Just me, my bathroom, and a surprisingly sturdy shipping container.
Humor Helps, But Health Matters More
Yes, I joked about it. Yes, I laughed while reading the instructions. Yes, I absolutely made at least one “return to sender” joke.
But underneath the humor is something important: taking care of yourself is worth a little awkwardness.
We normalize oil changes for our cars. We normalize annual checkups for our pets. We should normalize preventive screenings for ourselves…
even when they involve topics we don’t usually bring up at dinner.
Especially then.
The Takeaway (Pun Fully Intended)
If you’re putting off a screening because it sounds embarrassing, inconvenient, or just plain weird, let me reassure you:
- It is a little weird
- It is slightly awkward
- And it is absolutely worth it
Health doesn’t always look glamorous. Sometimes it looks like a cardboard box on your porch and a quiet promise to yourself that you’re going to stick around for a long time.
And if that means pooping in a box once in a while?
So be it.
Your future self will thank you.
**See links below for more information:
What Women Need to Know About Colorectal Cancer | Rutgers Cancer Institute
Routine screening tests for women as they enter midlife and beyond – Mayo Clinic Press
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